This could be a post about smoking given the title, but actually it's not.
I recently started talking to this guy. I've known him for a couple of years but we didn't really talk until recently. As far as I can tell, he is nothing like a person I previously dated but now, truthfully, would be happy to never talk to again. I hope, I really hope, that stays true.
Today we were discussing logistics of a trip we're planning. I kept saying "whatever works for you" over and over again and finally had a moment where I asked him if he even wanted me to have an opinion because it seemed really really really hard for me to form one (which is odd, my derby name is apt, I can form an opinion on pretty much anything and then talk about ad nauseum).
This wasn't so much about that guy as about me and my past.
I spent so long being terrified of having the wrong opinion, of making a choice and then having someone I loved stomp all over it and use it to justify treating me like absolute shit. I was too scared to actually be able to form an opinion today. Nothing that's happened this far in talking to this guy should have made me feel that way yet I could not overcome the amount of fear I had to FORM an opinion, let alone express it.
I cried.
I thought I'd weeded all of this stuff out. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to fix myself and find the person I was before I became the person I ended up being with my ex. Yet just when life feels like it's settling into a rhythm, I find these old mine traps and patterns of being that I want nothing to do with.
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