My Complicated Relationship with Smoking

So I started to write a "book" once.  The opening line was "I smoke too much.  I eat too little and I consider myself an athlete."  Those statements were the most constant things I could identify in my sometimes tumultuous life.

Today, I quit smoking.  Smoking is something I've done for longer than I've been an adult.  Longer than I've lived on my own.  Longer than I could drive a car (legally).  I do not know how to operate in this world as a non-smoker BUT at times, I'm pretty excited to figure that out.

I am also, though, terrified.  I know it's going to be harder but I keep trying to remind myself that I've done things that are harder.  I've left two abusive relationships, have a second degree black belt, moved countries, and completed a PhD.  Quitting smoking shouldn't hold a candle to those things.

My relationship with smoking is more complicated though.  It's been a crutch, a way to meet people, a way to avoid people, a way to calm my mind, a way to celebrate or commiserate.  Last year, when I slept with wrist guards on and hid all the knives in my house, the one thing I kept repeating to myself was that I didn't want to die a smoker so I couldn't do what I was worried I'd do.  I guess you could say my relationship with quitting smoking has been complicated too.

I feel like this should all be much more celebratory than it is.  But if you're aiming to break a world record for push ups, you can't celebrate each one but you just have to dig in and push through.  I know that tomorrow will be harder than today and the next hour worse than now but beyond that I don't know what to expect and that scares me.  I feel like I'm ill prepared for the momentous yet I've been working towards this goal for the entire summer.

I want this to be no big deal but then I want to shout from the roof tops "Hey, I'm doing this thing that is a huge deal and identity shaking and comfort breaking and I need ALL the support I can possibly get even though I'll probably shrug it off when I get it"

I keep getting up to go for a smoke and then realizing I don't do that anymore.  I don't even know that I could make an analogy that works.  It'd be like trying to open the door with the wrong hand for the rest of your life.  Eventually you'll get to used to it but it's super annoying at first and you don't realize how much you opened doors until it became harder to do.

What if the next several days are me fixating on smoking and not being able to clear my head?