My therapist suggested that I write down some reference points of my worldview when I'm feeling well that I can look back at when I'm not doing so well.
Here are things that I know to be true to me when I'm not spiraling:
I've been happy in my life
I've been happy with my life
I think there's a purpose to life
I'm generally a competent person
I'm generally a good person
My cat is pretty awesome and worth living for alone
My parents are pretty awesome and worth living for alone
My person is pretty awesome and worth living for alone
I have things that I want to accomplish with my life
I can accomplish those things
I can make a difference with my life
I can make differences in my life
Skating makes me happy
Playing soccer makes me happy
Reading makes me happy
Learning is a worthwhile pursuit
I am better today than I was a year ago
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Thursday, March 2, 2017
What's the Point?
The hardest nights are the ones where I can't answer that question. Where I can't distinguish my thoughts from Anxiety's and Depression's.
The ones where I can't tell if I'm drowning or treading water nor which I actually want to do.
If I don't know where I'm going, how can I tell if I'm getting there?
If this is what life is, then is there any value in living it?
Are we actually good people?
Facebook makes it harder. I can't handle the sad news as it just shakes these questions to the forefront. Trump destroys more families. Hatred of people takes a front row spot. I want so desperately to be able to stand up and protest and demand action. Instead, I sit on the couch and cry and ask "what's the point?" I don't have faith in humanity. I don't have trust in myself. It doesn't seem like progress. It seems like vapid tv shows and fluff novels have been created and overproduced to pull us into complacency and into a sense that life has meaning if we just laugh enough.
My former therapist would point out that no emotion lasts forever. We are happy for some time; sad, angry and fearful for others. It's supposed to remind me that this feeling of absolute desolation doesn't last but on nights like these, it reminds me that even if I move past it once, it'll be back again.
So again I ask "what's the point?" If you can't stay happy forever, is it worth going through this in order to feel happy again for some time only to go through this again AND again AND AGAIN.
Are we assigning purpose to idle playthings in order to feel okay each morning? Is there a deeper reason why anyone should want to live beyond make friends, make money, do things?
When I can't answer these questions, I cry.
The ones where I can't tell if I'm drowning or treading water nor which I actually want to do.
If I don't know where I'm going, how can I tell if I'm getting there?
If this is what life is, then is there any value in living it?
Are we actually good people?
Facebook makes it harder. I can't handle the sad news as it just shakes these questions to the forefront. Trump destroys more families. Hatred of people takes a front row spot. I want so desperately to be able to stand up and protest and demand action. Instead, I sit on the couch and cry and ask "what's the point?" I don't have faith in humanity. I don't have trust in myself. It doesn't seem like progress. It seems like vapid tv shows and fluff novels have been created and overproduced to pull us into complacency and into a sense that life has meaning if we just laugh enough.
My former therapist would point out that no emotion lasts forever. We are happy for some time; sad, angry and fearful for others. It's supposed to remind me that this feeling of absolute desolation doesn't last but on nights like these, it reminds me that even if I move past it once, it'll be back again.
So again I ask "what's the point?" If you can't stay happy forever, is it worth going through this in order to feel happy again for some time only to go through this again AND again AND AGAIN.
Are we assigning purpose to idle playthings in order to feel okay each morning? Is there a deeper reason why anyone should want to live beyond make friends, make money, do things?
When I can't answer these questions, I cry.
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